Better.

I'm better but its still been a little blue around here. At one point I actually considered throwing in the towel. I've gotten so many comments both online and off about my sleep schedule - comments like "I don't know how you do it", comments about others waiting till their children were older and more self sufficient before training for tri's, etc. I thought maybe I'm forcing too much too soon. I had one particularly low weekend when the wind was blowing horrifically. Stayed inside all day listening to the sand blasting the walls of my house, seriously considering quitting - not because I really wanted to, but because of the toll on my body, and the strain on my mind.

Then I thought about my life right now, and realized that triathlon training is the only thing I do for me. I work full time because of our plans to take over the mother-in-laws ranch in the next couple of years. This ranch is not a huge operation that brings in thousands of dollars - its small time. It takes money to make money, and ranching doesn't make a lot of money, but its what my husband wants to do. In time, we might get into a position where I can consider a career change that may be more enjoyable. We're kind of doing this a bit backwards, originally when we got married the ranch was something we were going to assist financially from afar, but my father-in-law became ill and passed away unexpectedly almost 7 years ago and decisions had to be made about the fate of the family ranch. We decided together to step up.

Of course had we known that this was going to happen, we probably would have done things differently in those years prior to Jim's death - maybe had children earlier or something along those lines, but that is what makes life interesting I suppose. So know I have two small children that I love to death and regret not being able to stay home with them more. I spend the majority of my time being the best mom I can to them hoping I raise them to be happy, self assured and responsible, contributing members of society.

I'm also still a wife and have my wifely responsibilities to tend to as well. Honestly I haven't been doing such a great job at this lately. Thankfully I have a patient and forgiving husband, but I really need to focus a little more in this area so that my husband continues to be the patient and forgiving. He's my best friend, and really my only close friend I've had in the last few years, but i haven't been such a great friend to him... another reason i considered throwing in the towel, but he supports my training so much I know he wouldn't support me quitting...

So yeah - I'm a bit lonely and starved for companionship - especially female companionship - as we all know that no one understands us gals better than another gal. Its difficult building relationships when you live in one community and work in another. I can't even attend Wednesday night church because it starts at 6:30 and I get home between 6:15 and 6:30. I've tried to figure out a way to do it. Have sandwiches in the car for the boys to eat on the way home, and go straight to church instead of home, but it always comes back as too much. It would be too much to try and squeeze in in an already full day not to mention full week. The upcoming move (as soon as our place sells here) will solve a lot of these issues - my commute will drop from 30 miles to 11 miles one way. I'll live, work and be merry in one community. Jeff and I will be in the same town most of the time, so he can help cart the boys here and there. Currently I take them with me to Carlsbad. They go to daycare and preschool there while I work,and I pick them up and take them home. The reason for this is - I'm five minutes away from them if they get sick or something. Its hard, and sometimes Jeff's got to leave work early and drive the 30 miles to pick them up or something if I have a work obligation that goes beyond the daycare hours, but it works for now and I feel more comfortable with them being near me. When we move I won't have to carry all of the burden...

So I looked at all of this and realized that triathlon training is the only thing i do for me. I need it. It is the only exercise regimen that I've stuck to. I'm healthier and happier (in general) than i have been for several years. I can't quit this. I can't train for anything longer than sprint distances, because I don't have the time or energy to do it. 4am is the cutoff, I'm not getting up any earlier! I can't expect to make mountains of improvement in a short amount of time either, because 1 - its not realistic, 2- I don't have the time or energy to do it. I'm going to focus on making little improvements - a few seconds shaved here - a bit stronger there. I adjusted my training schedule to give myself more rest and recovery. I only get up at 4 am 2 times a week now. The rest of the week it is 5 or 5:30. The nights of my early wake up I go to bed as soon as i put the boys down. The other nights I'm trying to focus more on Jeff. I'm only running twice a week, swimming twice a week, and biking once - thanks the windy weekends. On my days off I'm committed to napping. I've revised my race goals back to just finishing and being pleasantly surprised when my times improve. I'm trying not to compare myself to others or catch up with Misty (she's training for an Ironman after all).

Three successful weeks of this so far. I've not hit that proverbial wall during my runs. I'm able to ride through the whole spinerval at the same gear ratio as the video without having a heart attack. I feel more rested and less blue. I'm noticing improvements. I've shaved about 15 seconds off of my 100 swim time. My legs are getting bigger - not necessarily a good thing as far as my jeans, but they'll look good in my tri-shorts and they'll carry me longer.

The journey to this point these last few months have not been fun, but I guess I needed to make the trip. I'm sorry that this blog has been so depressing, but it has been a good outlet for me. Winter is almost over, the days are already getting longer, and the wind will stop - it always does. I'm looking forward to going to Alpine. I hope the wind gives us a break and it is warm enough for me to show off my legs. If Jeff brings his new megaphone - I'm sorry. Of course knowing him... my face will be red in transition not necessarily because of my heart rate, but because of the combination of Jeff and the megaphone. Jeff is already looking forward to my first tri of the season... Depending on how he behaves, I may have to take back my thank you to brother-in-law Dave.