Okay - I knew better, but I couldn't help myself. I figured, hey four weeks of successful run focused training (okay I've missed a few strength sessions, a swim here and there, shortened a bike or two, but not missed or cheated a single run session) lets check the scale. No! You scream - Not Yet! Yes I did and no change. Frustrating as I've been stuck here for a while. Big hit to the self esteem - trying not to let it bother me, but it is.
Yes I've even had second thoughts about the Polar Bear. It will be cold, what if its cold and windy, what if... Anyway so I'm whiney and a little discouraged. Plus the Carlsbad pool that was scheduled to reopen November 1, is not going to open until the end of the year. So I'm stuck with my two nights a week when I can...
I'm worried that I'm not going to really improve much with all this running. My swimming probably won't improve much, because I can't get the pool time I need - too many evening council meetings, Halloween, SD being gone a lot..., I've cut my bike time a bit - due to the cold, and the dark and the extra running. I'm trying my darnedest to get a long ride in on the weekends - did 21 miles last Saturday. But is it enough - or will my bike performance slow... Will my run be improved at all, or enough to even notice? I'm sorry - just whining.
Just having one of those moments or several of those moments where I feel inadequate and totally out of control. I just don't have enough time in the day to get it all done. There is the stuff I want to do, the stuff I need to do, the stuff I have to do, the stuff I dream about doing, and then a few hours of sleep - if youngest sleeps all night, SD doesn't have a snoring session from hell, the dogs don't bark at coyotes all night, no muscle cramps or heartburn...
When I was in my twenties, I took life too seriously and didn't have much fun. Truth be told I was bored a lot. I hate being bored, but I think about those days with a bit of regret - I missed so many opportunities to do the stuff I want and dream about doing now. We're so stupid when we're young. I've loved my thirties and still have a few years left. I was terrified of being a mom, and now I love being a mom and wish I could be more mom and less engineer. When I turned 30, I made a deal with myself to have more fun. Its hard for a person like me to have fun - control freak, perfectionist, responsible, organized, neat freak, compulsive-obsessive. But regardless of my personality flaws, I decided to have more fun and to try my darnedest to stop worrying what the world thought about me. Working full time with two little ones 16 months apart, married to SD who's not any of the items listed above and in fact a bit of the opposite, living on very little sleep all has made me less of a freak. My house is a disaster area - yes it bothers me, but I have not time for a social life, who's going to come out into the boonies anyway to inspect my work? Its just cluttered, not gross a health hazard, our clothes are clean, linens get changed regularly, bathrooms are cleaned often - come on I have two little boys - bathrooms have to be cleaned regularly. I've learned to just let it go... and have tried to focus the compulsive-obsessive, perfectionist, freakish behavior towards training, ie this non-morning person gets up at 4am 3-4 times a week to go run in the dark. Freak.
Actually, since I've begun training for triathlons in January - I've noticed that if I miss more than one day of exercise I get bitchy and depressed. SD had to go out of town Sunday morning so I moved my rest day to Monday and my normal Monday to Sunday. So nothing Monday. Tonight is trick-or-treating - so no swimming, I had scheduled a run this morning, but SD got in from his trip way late, and was real sinusy (always happens when he flies) so last night was a snore-fest from hell night, plus the dogs, and heartburn - Zack did sleep all night, but by 4am I was beat - so I skipped. I should get back on schedule tomorrow. I first noticed this phenomenon while SD was off hunting. He left before dawn on a Saturday and didn't return until Monday evening. By Sunday evening I was being a bit of a scary mom (not proud or it, but tantrums just happen sometimes...) got a run in that Monday afternoon and boom my outlook on life changed instantly. I think there is a lesson to learn here.
It could be that today is the last day of October. October used to be my favorite month of the year - sure its my birthday month, but its more than that. I think its the whole autumn thing. October is usually so fallish - cool, yet still warm, colorful, crisp. Then I went to college, and October became not so favorite - midterm month. I figured that once I got out of school, that I could enjoy October again, but it has continued to follow the midterm theme and is usually so utterly busy that I don't have time to enjoy it. November - is not an exciting month for me. Actually it is probably the most drab month there is, in my opinion. Thanksgiving is such a boring holiday. I would just rather skip November. Although we are starting a new family tradition this year at my insistence. Juggling families - who's year is ist, just wears me out, so this year we're stopping all that family juggling thing because I'm no longer a child and perfect families and perfect in-laws do not exist and I'm going to stop pretending. We're going camping. I think we're headed down to Lake Amistad in Texas. So maybe November will get a second chance.
I think I've worked through it, so enough rambling for now.